- Accosting the Oscar Meyer
- Answer the bone-a-phone
- Appropriate the means
- Arm aerobics
- Assault on a friendly weapon
- Auditioning the hand puppet
- Backstroke Roulette
- Badgering the witness
- Baiting your hook
- Bash the bishop
- Bash the Candle
- Batting practice
- Battling the purple-helmeted warrior
- Beat off
- Beat Pete
- Beat the bologna
- Beat the butter
- Beat the meat
- Beat the stick
- Beating the bait
- Beating the Bishop
- Beating the dummy
- Beating the fuck out of your best friend
- Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
- Beating the snake
- Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
- Bequeath your genes
- Bleed the lizard
- Bloating the vein
- Blow your load
- Bludgeon the beefsteak
- Blue ball baseball
- Bombing the German helmut
- Boppin’ your bologna
- Box the Jesuit
- Boxin the ball sack
- Buck the bone
- Buckin’ it
- Buff the banana
- Buff the wood
- Buffing the wood
- Burp the worm
- Burping the worm
- Bust a nut
- Butter the corn
- Butter your corn
- Calling all cum
- Calling down for more mayo
- Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
- Capping the crusader
- Charge the rod
- Charm the cobra
- Charm the serpent/snake
- Cheating on your other hand
- Check the oil
- Checking the plumbing
- Choke Kojak
- Choke the chicken
- Choking Charlie ’till he throws up
- Choking the bald guy ’til he pukes
- Choking the sheriff and wait for the posse to come
- Chong your schlong
- Churning butter
- Civil war
- Clean the pipes
- Clean your rifle
- Cleaning out your rope
- Cleaning the walls after an accident
- Closing the deal
- Clubbing Eddy
- Come into your own
- Committing mass spermicide
- Conking the Cardinal
- Converse with Harry Palm
- Couch hockey for one
- Crab tease
- Crack off a batch
- Cracking off
- Cracking the bat
- Cracking the fat
- Crank the shank
- Cranking
- Cranking for cum
- Cream the cheeze
- Cream your corn
- Cream your jeans
- Creamed beef
- Create an arch
- Crown the king
- Cuff the carrot
- Cuffing the puppy
- Cum the scum
- Culture the American Blood Sausage
- Custer’s last stand
- Date Miss Michigan
- Date mother palm and her five daughters
- Date Rosy palm and her 5 sisters
- Decongesting the weasel
- Devil’s handshake
- Diddling the dinky
- Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
- Discussing Uganda
- Dishonorable discharge
- Disobey the Pope
- Disseminating
- Do the dew
- Doin’ the Hand Jive
- Donkey Spank
- Doodle whacking
- Doodle your noodle
- Drain Charle’s Dickens
- Drain the dragon
- Drain the monster
- Drain the vein
- Dropping a line
- Dropping stomach pancakes
- Dropping the kids off at the pool
- Empty the cannon
- Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
- Evicting the testicular squatters
- Express yourself
- Feed the ducks
- Fight the Champ
- Fire the hand cannon
- Fire the Surgeon General
- Fire the wobbly warhead
- Firing the flesh musket
- Firing the presidential staff
- Firm your worm
- Fishing for zipper trout
- Fist fuck
- Fist kebabing
- Fist of fury
- Fist your mister
- Fistina Gallop the antelope
- Five against one
- Five finger shuffle
- Five knuckle Olympics
- Five-finger discount
- Flick the dick
- Flog the dog
- Flog the hog
- Flog the infidel
- Flog your dong
- Floggin’ the Dolphin
- Floggin’ the log
- Flogging your dumber brother
- Flub the Dub
- Flute solo
- Fondle the fig
- Foreplay with Fistina
- Free the slaves
- Freeing the hostages
- Freeing Willy
- Friendly Fire
- Frothinghands’ mate
- Gallop the maggot
- Getting comfortable
- Getting In touch with your manhood
- Getting In touch with yourself
- Getting your palm
- Givin’ Yul Brenner a high-five
- Giving it a tug
- Giving the John Hancock
- Giving the pink mustang a spit shine
- Giving the seamen shore leave
- Giving yourself a helping hand
- Giving yourself a low five
- Go a couple rounds with the champ
- Grab the flab
- Grab the slab
- Grease the pipe
- Greasing your bone
- Grip the tip
- Gripping Flipper
- Hack the hog
- Ham shank
- Hand job
- Hand to gland combat
- Hands on training
- Handwork
- Have it off
- Have one off the wrist
- Having a play date with your little friend
- Having a puppet show in your pants
- Having a Roy
- Having a staff meeting
- Having a whack attack
- Herkin the Gherkin
- Hit on Rosy Palm
- Hit the ham
- Hitchhike under the big top
- Hitching to Heaven
- Hold the bold
- Hold the mayo
- Holding all the cards
- Holding your sausage hostage
- Hone your bone
- Hump the horn
- Hump your fist
- Hump your hose
- Humping’ air
- Ignite the Light saber
- Involving the milk man and the Cyclops
- Ironing some wrinkles
- Jack hammer
- Jack off
- Jack the corn
- Jack the joystick
- Jack the sack
- Jack your Jizz
- Jack yourself
- Jackhammer
- Jackin’ the beanstalk
- Jackin the Johnson
- Jacking
- Jam the joystick
- Jazz yourself
- Jelly roll
- Jerk off
- Jerk the gherkin
- Jerk the Turk
- Jerk your rope
- Jerkin’ the noodle
- Jiggle the jewelry
- Jimmying your Joey
- Juice your fruit
- Killing the beast
- Knock on wood
- Knock the top off
- Knuckle shuffle on the old piss pump
- Launching the hand shuttle
- Launching the morning missile
- Launching the Tadpoles
- Lead the weed
- Leak in’ the main drain
- Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
- Lightening the load
- Lighting the candle
- Little pinky hit the slinky
- Loading the cannon
- Loping your mule
- Making a six-fist
- Making nut butter
- Making special sauce with frank and beans
- Making the bald guy cry
- Making the bald guy puke
- Making the Cyclops do chin-ups ’til he throws up
- Making the llama spit
- Making yogurt
- Mangle the midget
- Manhandling your man-handle
- Manipulate the mango
- Mannin’ the Cannon
- Manual override
- Manually assisted wet dream
- Masonic secret self handshake
- Massage the one-eyed monk
- Massage your muscle
- Massage your purple-headed warrior
- Maximize your potency
- Measuring for condoms
- Meet your right-hand man
- Messin’ with Moby
- Milk the lizard
- Milk the maggot
- Milking the bull
- Milking the lizard
- Milking the monkey
- Milkywaying
- Million sperm march
- Molding hot plastic
- Murder the Bishop
- Nerk your throbber
- Oil the glove
- Oiling the pogo stick
- One handed clapping
- One man show
- One man tug-o-war
- One-eye target practice
- One-handed workout
- Opening up a bottle of squirt
- Oscillating the Oscar Meyer
- Pack your palm
- Paddle the pickle
- Paint the ceiling
- Paint the pickle
- Pat the Robertson
- Peel some chilies
- Peel the banana
- Performing diagnostics on your man tool
- Perm your poodle
- Petting the snake
- Petting your dog
- Phone the czar
- Play pocket pool
- Play the organ
- Play the pisser
- Play the skin flute
- Play the stand-up organ
- Play with your Willy Wanker
- Play with yourself
- Playing a solo on your meat whistle
- Playing pocket polo with agent Johnson
- Playing soapy Peter
- Playing the fiddle
- Playing the flesh trombone
- Playing the pink oboe
- Playing with Dick
- Playing with Susie Palmer and her 5 friends
- Playing with the pink Power Ranger
- Playing with the snake
- Playing with your 6th finger
- Playing with your big Alien
- Playing your Instrument
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- Please your pisser
- Pluckin’ your chicken
- Plunk your twanger
- Pocket pinball
- Pocket pool
- Pocket the rocket
- Polish the chrome dome
- Polish the pole
- Polish the rocket
- Polish the sword
- Polish your bayonet
- Polish your helmet
- Polish your piece
- Polishing Percy
- Polishing the family jewels
- Polishing the hot rod
- Polishing the purple people pleaser
- Popping the porpoise
- Popping the purple pimple
- Portuguese Pump
- Pound off
- Pound the pelican
- Pound your flounder
- Pound your piss pump
- Pounding your pud
- Pow-wow with the one-eyed Redskin
- Practice the Heimlich Maneuver
- Practicing for the big game Pull off
- Prime the womb cannon
- Pud whacking
- Pud wrestling
- Puddin’
- Puff the one-eyed dragon
- Pull the ducks neck
- Pull the pole
- Pull the Pope
- Pull the pudding
- Pull the root
- Pull your prick
- Pulling on Peter Pulling the goalie
- Pull your pud
- Pull your taffy
- Pulling the piss pump
- Pummel the love truncheon
- Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
- Pulling the wire
- Pump the king
- Pump the monkey
- Pump the prince
- Pump the python
- Pumping for pleasure
- Pumping for power
- Pumping gas at the self-service island
- Pumping Iron
- Punchin’ the Munchkin’
- Punching’ the clown
- Punish the Harlequin
- Punish the penguin
- Punishing Percy
- Punishing the Bishop
- Rake your meat
- Ram the ham
- Rapid one arm pull-ups
- Ravage the innocent
- Releasing the Olympic doves
- Ride the great white knuckler
- Rob the knob
- Rolfing the piglet
- Rolling the fleshy blunt
- Roman helmet rumba
- Romancing the bone
- Rope the goat
- Rope the pony
- Roping’ the long horn
- Roughing the passer
- Roughing up the suspect
- Rounding up the tadpoles
- Routin’ for the Yankees
- Rub off
- Rub one out
- Rub the tub
- Rub the unicorn’s horn
- Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
- Running in single-user mode
- Running off a batch by hand
- Running Peter through two-a-days
- Running the whack-a-thon
- Sailors’ joy
- Salute the sailor
- Sanding the banister
- Sanding the obelisk
- Scraping your carrot
- Scratching the itch
- Seasoning’ your meat
- Self love
- Sending out the troops
- Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
- Shag
- Shake the snake
- Shake the weasel
- Shaking hands with Abe Lincoln
- Shaking’ hands with little Elvis
- Shaking’ hands with Mr. Winkie
- Shaking hands with Shorty
- Shaking hands with the Governor
- Shaking hands with the unemployed
- Shaking hands with your wife’s best friend
- Shaking the coconut milk of love
- Shaking the hand of the self-employed
- Shaking’ your hands at the sky
- Shaking’ your own maracas
- Shifting gears
- Shine the barrel
- Shine your pole
- Shining the helmet
- Shoot your squirt
- Shooting enemies
- Shooting putty at the moon
- Shooting Sherman
- Shooting tadpoles at the moon
- Shooting the pump action porridge gun
- Shooting your pistol
- Shucking Bubba
- Shuffle the deck
- Single dingles
- Siphoning off the tank
- Slam the ham
- Slam the hammer
- Slam the salami
- Slam the Spam
- Slammin’ the salmon
- Slap boxing the one-eyed champ
- Slap my happy sacks
- Slap your head
- Slappin’ Pappy
- Slappin’ the bacon
- Slappin’ the Captain
- Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
- Slapping the clown
- Slapping the Cyclops
- Slapping the monkey
- Slapping your chub
- Slaying the one-eyed monster
- Slinging jelly
- Slog the log
- Sloppy Joe’s last stand
- Sloppy sign language
- Smacking the sausage
- Smacking your sister
- Snap the rubber
- Snap the whip
- Snapping your carrot
- Snuggle the nozzle
- Soldier’s toy
- Solo spit
- Spackling the ceiling
- Spank the carrot
- Spank the frank
- Spank the monkey
- Spank your little boy yourself
- Spear chuckings
- Spending some quality time with
- Spilling my children on my belly
- Spinning the record
- Spit one off
- Spit the seeds
- Spit-polishing the purple helmet
- Spit-shining the boots
- Spreading the mayo
- Sprinkling’ the lawn
- Spunk the monk
- Squeeze the cheese
- Squeeze the cream from the flesh Twinkie
- Squeeze the lemon
- Squeezing the burrito
- Squeezing the cream filling from the Twinkie
- Squeezing the squid
- Squeezing the tube of toothpaste
- Squirt one off
- Squirtin’ Burton
- Staff meeting
- Stall clapping
- Stir the soup
- Stroke off
- Stroke the dog
- Stroke the goat
- Stroke the stallion
- Stroke the trumpet
- Stroke your ego
- Stroke your poker
- Stroking it
- Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
- Stroking the schlong
- Stroking the Scooby
- Suffocate the organ
- Surfing on the Milky Highway
- Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
- Taffy pulling contest
- Taffy tugger
- Take a beating
- Take a load off your mind
- Take matters into your own hands
- Take yourself in hand
- Taking a shake break Taking little Elvis to Graceland
- Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
- Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
- Tame the wild hog
- Tap the turkey
- Target practice with the yogurt gun
- Teach your dog to spit
- Tease the python
- Tease the weasel
- Tease the weenie
- Tenderize the meat
- Tenderizing the tube steak
- Test-firing the meat missile
- Testing the hand cream dispenser
- The sticky page rumba
- The tube of cream
- Threading a needle
- Throw off a batch
- Throw out
- Thump the pump
- Tickle the Elmo
- Tickle the pickle
- Torment the Trouser Trout
- Toss off
- Toss the boss
- Toss the turkey
- Tossing the ham javelin
- Train the Love Porpoise
- Trim your antlers
- Trim your horn
- Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
- Tube sock tango
- Tug o’ war with ol’ Cyclops
- Tug of war with Cyclops
- Tugging the tapioca tube
- Tugging your Tubesteak/Tubesnake
- Tune the flute
- Tune the instrument
- Tuning the antenna
- Tuning the fork
- Tussle with your muscle
- Tweak your twiddle
- Unleash the fury
- Unloading passengers from the five-car train
- Unwrapping the pepperoni
- Varnish the flagpole
- Varnishing the cane
- Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
- Wack the weasel
- Walk the dog
- Walking old one-eye
- Walking Willie the one eyed wonder worm
- Wank the crank
- Wanking
- Wanking one-eyed Willy
- Warming up the altar boy’s dinner
- Wasting babies
- Wave the wand
- Wax the Buick
- Wax the candlestick
- Wax the carrot
- Wax the dolphin
- Wax the womb broom
- Wax your Jackson
- Wax your surfboard
- Wax your weasel
- Wax your Willy
- Waxing the dolphin
- Whack little Mac
- Whack off
- Whack on your back
- Whack your Magic Johnson
- Whack your tack
- Whip the dummy
- Whip the wire
- Whip your dripper
- Whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel
- Whipping the pony
- Whipping the window washer
- Whipping your Skippy
- Whipping your Willy
- White water wrestling
- White-water wristing
- Whittling Dixie
- Whizzin’ Jizzim
- Wiggling your worm
- Winding the Jack In the Box
- Winding the Wurlitzer
- Wonk your conker
- Work off
- Workin’ the Jerkin
- Working a cramp out of your muscle
- Working your Willy
- Wrestle the bald-headed champion
- Wrestle the eel
- Wrestling the eel
- Wring out your rope
- Wring your thing
- Wringin’ out the tube steak
- Wringin’ the towel
- Yang your wang
- Yank my doodle
- Yank off
- Yank the crank
- Yank the plank
- Yank the yam
- Yank your strap
- Yank your wank
- Yankee your Wankee
- Yuckin’ your choad
- Zygote spraying
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