A good-looking, well-groomed person who you may already know or are familiar with even to a minimal extent can perpetrate rape, and rape can happen not in a dirty alley, but even in a tidy apartment or room. As long as the element of forced sexual intercourse is present, the incident is considered rape. A person therefore, who goes out with someone with the intention of having a few drinks and some fun and then is later forced to have sex is considered a victim of date rape. This means a boyfriend, an ex-boyfriend, a friend or an acquaintance can perpetrate date rape. Incidentally, women are not the only victims of date rape. Men can become victims too, although there are more female than male victims.

Date rape is not a new phenomenon and has actually been happening to a lot of people. The only reason the statistics are so hard to pin down is that there are some victims who simply do not report their ordeal. Sometimes when you’re on a date with someone and you’ve had a few drinks and then had sex after, the details become blurred. Victims of date rape, even when they feel or express that they did not consent to the sexual act, may think that they were partly responsible for what happened because the intercourse happened somewhere during or after a date to which they freely consented to. The truth is that no matter what the context was when forced sex happened, the victims are not at fault. Forced sex even after a date where both parties had a lot of fun, is still considered rape.

Usually, perpetrators of date rape try to get a girl drunk or may mix drugs like rohypnol and ketamine into their date’s drinks. This is called spiking. Since this very common, women should be mindful of the refreshments they’re taking. As much as possible, get your own drink, but if a date insists on being a gentleman and fetches you a glass or two, make sure your eyes don’t leave the drink, or better yet, watch while it is being prepared. If you do not trust your date yet or if you haven’t known him for very long, or if you have a bad feeling about him, do not take a sip of whatever he gives you even if it offends him. If his intentions are pure and he really likes you, he’ll understand if you explain why you are being cautious.

Even if you take precautions, bad things can still happen. If you become a victim of date rape, the best thing to do is to report the incident. Do not be quiet about it. You are helping yourself by seeking help and you are helping others by telling your story.

Some say it’s the vibration from the car, others say it’s the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.  Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.

Sincerely,

A Friend of Ask Uncle Terry

In fact, talking to our children about S-E-X is one of the most difficult talks that many parents will face. That tiny, 3-letter word seems to hold a spell over us and by uttering it to a child we think we are going to hell. Some parents are afraid that if they discuss sex with their child, Child Protective Services will soon be knocking at their door. They think that if they talk sex they are going to be accused of pedophilia or being weird. Others feel that if they teach their child about sex and birth control they are advocating promiscuity. Some of us are so damn uptight that we just hope that the schools will do a good job of teaching sex or our kids will see other kids getting pregnant or an STD and decide on their own to wait. A wise, responsible parent will equip their child with the knowledge that will help and protect the child should they become sexually active. Each year roughly two million children are born to unmarried parents in the United States alone. If you don’t want your child to be one of these parents or you are not ready to be one of the grandparents, you better get with the program and start talking about sex. Hopefully you will start at an early age and keep right on talking even after you have the kids married off.

When children are young we talk to them using terminology that they can understand but do not hide the obvious or the truth. If they see a couple of dogs hooking up you explain that the dogs are making babies. We can read toddlers and small children books that are written at their level. When you see your children touching themselves you need to let them know that it is okay to touch it but to do so someplace private. And you want to make sure that a small child understands that their “private area” is not to be touched by others and that if someone tries to or does, they need to tell you right away and that you will not be mad at them.

During all sex talks turn off the television, radio and cell phone. Turn on the telephone answering machine and select a time when you are less likely to be disturbed by someone coming to the door. Make the talks special and, if you have more than one kid, don’t try to save time by having them all at once. While it is okay for older children to be in on the conversation with the younger children, the opposite is not advised. When a 13-year-old boy sees that his 10-year-old sister is getting hairy armpits and the only hair he has is on his head, he feels that something horrible must be wrong. So have two separate talks. Reassure your son he’s not a monster, and tell your daughter about menstruation so that when she experiences that first flow she won’t think she’s bleeding to death. I would suggest purchasing a good book on puberty and not just give it to them but also first read it yourself and then together and answer any questions they may have. Books like this can be found in bookstores or at educational websites like Ask Uncle Terry.

By the age of 13 you should be talking about birth control and masturbation. Let your child know that masturbation is something most all of us practice and it is normal. Tell him about precum and semen so that the first time your son has an orgasm he will not think that he broke something. Put lotion and tissue in your son’s room for those runny noses and to keep his hands soft. This will not embarrass him and it will help you with the cleanup. But there are other times, of course, when a topic has to be addressed directly. When these times come up you can’t be afraid to explore the topic candidly. Remember you are the parent, so be strong and stay the course and, if necessary, demand that your children do, too. Take control, be open, have a dialogue and have them tell you what they have learned from school, their friends or on their own. Answer their questions fully without sugar coating. Discuss masturbation, sexual safety, STDs and protection. Remember that diseases like AIDS and hepatitis can be deadly, making the use of condoms mandatory.

Oral sex has become a prevalent form of sex among our children, so discuss it openly and remind them that while they will not become pregnant through oral or anal intercourse they can still get a sexually transferred disease. Answer their questions about oral sex and anything else is one way of showing that you are always there for them. Make it perfectly clear that they need to wait until adulthood before becoming sexually active, but if they do make the plunge earlier don’t turn your back on them or refuse to answer questions about condoms or birth control. It may make you feel uncomfortable, but that’s the price that you need to be willing to pay for knowing you are doing your best to protect your tween and teen children from raising children of their own.

Going on a first date used to mean that you may or may not get a kiss at the end of the night. Waiting for that goodnight peck on your doorstep was enough to stimulate any person and leave them satisfied for days to come. Nowadays, performing oral sex has become more and more as acceptable as a handshake. Are we to the point that every time you go on a date a sexual act is almost expected?

The peer pressure dealing with sex is no different than the peer pressures concerned with drugs. Sex can be damaging to your health, both physically and mentally. There are many STD’s that you should be aware of and watch out for. If you take part in sleeping around, it could damage you mentally and socially. You may become known as the “town bicycle; everyone in town has had a ride.” For females especially, being known as a whore can hurt your credibility. Guys who sleep around can be seen as people who don’t respect women and are not capable of a long term relationship. These aspects can damage your personality severely over time.

Did we forget a couple other reasons of why waiting to have sex might be a better choice for you? We sure did. If you’re a religious person, this is certainly an act that is frowned upon. If you don’t want kids, don’t gamble with sex. A lot of emotional baggage can go along with sex. If you wait, that first time with the person you truly love and want to spend your life with can be amazing. Yes, there are lots of forms of protection and this is a scare tactic but in all honesty it is reality. It is still possible to get pregnant while on contraceptives. Remember, a girl can forget to take her pill or the condom can break or slip off so neither will protect you 100% of the time.

Some girls might fear that a boy will dislike them if they don’t succumb to their desires sexually. They just need to remember that it is their body and they shouldn’t objectify themselves. Some boys feel like they need to lose their virginity in order to hang with the “cool” guys. Who cares about those kids, and yes, some of their bragging is only fantasy? They will probably grow up to work at a fast food restaurant and spend the rest of their lives flipping burgers. Once you go off to college, you will probably never see them again. In fact, you will probably start to forget about them.

It is now socially acceptable to dress with next to nothing on. Guys need to understand that just because they dress the part doesn’t mean that it’s a buffet. On the other hand, girls need to dress more conservative to avoid being pressured into sex. There are guys who don’t have good intentions even without the underdressed girl. Please do your best and not make yourself a target.

If you respect your body, you should make a decision based on what is good for you; not your friends. On the other end of the spectrum, don’t pressure others into sex. If the feeling is right for them, they will know all on their own.

It looks as if you have trained some very well mannered children that know you are the boss and they better listen up or else. Once again, I hate to remind you folks but you also have the joy of puberty and adolescence to look forward to. Now, I realize you were a perfect child and never gave your parents a bit of trouble. You never back-talked, fibbed, snuck out of the house or did anything else that your parents should be upset about. I understand just where you are coming from, for I was a perfect child too. Now my brother and sisters, I know they gave our parents plenty of trouble but me, I was just the one that got grounded or spanked when they did something wrong. Now with your child it will be different than it was with you.

As your cute little darling is going through the adolescent years you are going to have some very trying times. Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all of the answers. This is the time they are going to do all of those things that we don’t want to admit that we did. You will tell them not to snack before supper and a little while later you catch them with a cookie and soda pop in their hand. “But mom, I caught the dog with the soda and cookie and I was just putting them away.” You catch them sneaking into the house at midnight when you had sent them off to bed at 9PM. “But dad, I heard a noise outside and was just checking on the cat.” You ask, “Did you do your homework this afternoon?” “Oh yes,” they reply, but the next day you get a call from the school, only to find out that no homework has been turned in for the last two weeks. Over time, you try all types of punishment from taking privileges away, grounding and spanking (yes, the good old spanking does still go on in some homes, but nothing seems to work. Suddenly you are starting to think that my parents were right and I am getting mine.

The adolescent continues to defy you and you keep fighting back. Remember this is adolescence, an age when the children are trying to bring up their parents. Don’t fret, you are lucky, for in 8 to 10 years they should be through this stage, and time does seem to go by fast when you are having fun.

While puberty and the teen years are often spotted with periods of hell for the parents, it is also a magnificent time. A time when what was once no more than just a seed (egg) and a bit of fertilizer (sperm) has started to develop into a beautiful flower. I know you will have days when you think of them more as a vegetable or weed than a flower but this is normal, so don’t fret, just survive.

If we can think back as far as our own puberty and adolescent years, we will remember that there were periods of hell for us, too. Our bodies were making some horrific changes that we probably did not completely understand. In all honesty, if we were placed under hypnosis, we would probably find out that we, too, were rebellious.

It isn’t easy to change from a child to an adult, something that we didn’t choose. The chemicals in our bodies called hormones made this choice. As we are going through these changes we are doing a lot of questioning, we start to get a bit of hair under our arms and on our crotch and we think that we are now grown up and should be treated as an adult. We want to do things our way and not be told how we should to it. The word “no” is not in our vocabulary, at least when our parents or other adults tell us that we shouldn’t do something.

You will have times when your teenager has episodes of anger and negativity in which they slam doors and scream tirades. According to experts, most puberty-driven “snit fits” last and average of 15 minutes, it just seems like longer because they are doing it off and on for about 15 years. I think my parents were right and there is such a thing as “payback time!”

As I think about my experience with spending money over years long pasts, my emotions are mixed. As a child I was raised in what today might be termed an upper middle class family. We certainly were not rich or poor. My father was a successful businessman that was raised in a middle class family that had experienced the setbacks of the Great Depression. Dad could afford not only the necessities but also a few luxuries. Regardless, we were not handed things just because we wanted them. A lot of that probably had to do with the way my mother was raised. Her father was a poor farm worker. Her mother was a woman in search of herself that had married at least 6 times while seeking a rich husband. My grandmother finally married and settled down with a poor cop. As a young woman my mother had worked in a cannery and as an adult she still liked to can fruits and vegetables. My dad loved to barbecue and if left to him we would have ate red meat every night. On the other hand my mom had learned how to stretch the dollar. I fondly remember the great meatloaf, casseroles, stew and hash she would make using the leftover meat from dads barbeque’s. I guess I am kind of getting off subject but memories sure are great.

As I was saying! As a child, mom would stretch those dollars. I was the second son, and in our family toys and clothing were passed on to me from my older brother. Usually that was ok except when it was things like a Coloring Book that had only been used once. When it came to clothes, my brother was tall and thin and I was squatly and pudgy. My brother’s pants never wore out for unlike me, he was a bookworm. When my brother outgrew a pair of pants, mom would cut the legs off to make wedges and sew them into the back of the pants so the waist would fit pudgy Terry. The work ethic that dad had instilled in me paid off. Even as an elementary school child I would look for and find ways to make extra money. I would use that money to purchase clothing and other things that I wanted and my parents would not purchase for me.

I married a beautiful girl that loved to shop and nothing could have thrilled her more than when we had a son and later a daughter, giving my wife another excuse to shop. Since I received hand-me-downs or had to work for special things, I figured my daughter could wear the clothing her brother had outgrown but my wife didn’t see it that way. Ok, maybe she was right on that one! Still, did she really need to spend so much money shopping? I remember one of our arguments where several checks had bounced. I called my young wife on it and she replied, “There were still checks in the checkbook” Ok, I should have known better, as I said she was a beautiful girl, I did not say that she knew how to do math! We learned how to compromise and while the children always had what they needed we tried not to spoil them totally rotten.

Today children seem to want every thing they see advertised on television. As I look around and talk with parents, it appears to me that far to many parents are willing to give their child whatever they ask for. Recently a father contacted me at AskUncleTerry.com. This father was telling me that just two years ago he had purchased his son a PS2 and last year the kid started throwing a fit because he didn’t have a PS3. His son was now turning 16 and talking about the car he expects to receive for his birthday. The father whom is a successful executive had asked if he should buy his son a car and if not how should he handle it? I told the father that he should not give his son everything that he asked for and perhaps should be giving him more kicks in the seat of the pants!

I do not care how rich you might be. Our children do not inherit a work ethic by watching their parents work their buns off. Work ethic does not come from playing video games and going to the mall or on dates with money or credit card given to a child by their parents. If a child wants an automobile they should be expected to help pay for it or at least contribute to the operating expenses. Parents also need to set limits when it comes to expenses such as clothing and electronic toys. Just because you can afford it, you do not purchase your child the most expensive shoes, clothing, game system or games just because they expect you to. Set limits as to what you will and will not purchase for them. Let the child do extra chores or get a part time job if they want items that are beyond those limits. Even when the child participates in the purchase of vehicles, gaming systems and computers do not forget that you are the parent and you take control when the child is out of control. My own son learned several times that while he may have had a car and shared in the expense of its operation, I owned the keys to that car.

Instilling a work ethic is one of the best gifts that any parent can give a child. While it is best to start this training while a child is young, even if they are now an adolescent or young adult it is never to late to start saying no. Yes, perhaps I am just mean old Uncle Terry, but I am proud to be of the old school with my dad’s work ethic and my mother’s thriftiness.